Ciphering a Dream

I dreamt about a person who passed a year ago, she have 3 girls the eldest one is at the same age as mine, she is disabled and on the spectrum, the last decent conversation that I had with her was when I was young I was walking in our street and she asked me how old am I, I said I was 12 (I’m now 28), then she goes with the conversation on what could her eldest daughter can become if she was not on the spectrum and not disabled, if it was her fault that her daughter was like that, or was it a punishment of something that she did when she was younger, because some people told her that. In the end of that conversation she told me regardless what is her daughter ‘s situation they love her so much and they are more than willing to take care of her till they are old (her and her husband). That was too much to unpack to a 12 year old kid. That chat lingers in my mind as years goes by, how other people can think of that way? I know some might say that it is her fault, she was not careful when she was pregnant, or she might have done bad things to deserve it, but what worries me is what if she believe them, I have a feeling that day she was feeling that way that is why she have an aching feeling to share it even to a kid. Ever since then, when I see her I share a smile, a greeting but in the back of my head I’m worried that she is still thinking that way I was hoping not. That conversation also set a purpose in my head, that whatever I do I should set a higher bar (of course aside from the internal pressure I gave myself to make my mom proud) because she is using me as a reference of achievements that her daughter can possible acquire. In retrospect I felt gave me a little momentum when I do things. And now it is 4 AM, I dreamt of her telling me how worried she is about leaving her family. I wanna understand why I had this dream, what triggered me to think of her? I wish I had given it a chance to talk to her back then, to check with her how is she, I hope that she felt okay when she had to go, that her family will be just fine, I know they were deeply devastated but they will learn how to be on their own with the care and nurturing she gave them when she was still existing.

 

They say dreams are one way of your mind to remind you of the things that bothered you, or the feelings that you have suppressed, haha I just realized now why I had this dream, my mind is telling me about one of my deep seated wound, giving me a warning to work on it before it is too late.